


Help, I'm Alive

by Astrarian



Series: Writer's Month, August 2020 [16]
Category: Skins (UK)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Post-Canon, Writer's Month 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25945000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astrarian/pseuds/Astrarian
Summary: Katie doesn’t let Effy come around because she wants to be reminded of their sixth form shit. She lets her come around because she wants to be reminded that she’s glad they’ve left that behind.(Writer's month 2020 - Day 16: history)
Relationships: Katie Fitch & Effy Stonem
Series: Writer's Month, August 2020 [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1861909
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8
Collections: Writer's Month 2020





	Help, I'm Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Metric's song of the same name.

“Do you remember?” Effy asks, one knee hooked over the other, wrists crossing lazily. The cigarette between her thin fingers smokes gently. 

“Remember what?” Katie asks, brusque as ever. She’s mellowed in some ways. Not others. Especially not when Effy is being almost as aloof as she used to be in sixth form, and has been all night. She doesn’t let Effy come around because she wants to be reminded of their sixth form shit. She lets her come around because she wants to be reminded that she’s glad they’ve left that behind.

“When we first met,” Effy says.

Katie shrugs. “Not really,” she says, telling herself it’s true.

“You said we should hang out. Definitely.”

“Did I?” she says skeptically. She doesn’t remember that bit, although it sounds like something she’d have said.

“Mm,” Effy says, and takes a drag on her cigarette.

Katie looks askance at her. “Okay. So what?”

“Just remembering,” Effy says.

“Yeah? I find that unlikely,” Katie says.

Effy only offers her a shrug of her own. Then she looks at Katie, a weird half-smirk curling her mouth upwards.

“Jesus, what?” Katie asks.

“I didn’t think we actually would hang out. Especially not five years later.”

Katie scoffs. “I’m sure I didn’t care what you thought. Not then, anyway. Probably did later.”

“Later?”

“When you fucked Freddie.” Katie shakes her head and clicks her tongue, changing the subject. “I reckon I wouldn’t have thought about five days later, never mind five years. And I don’t know why I’m thinking about five years ago right now. Why are we talking about this?”

“Just reminiscing.”

“Why?” Katie asks, more insistently. “Is it some anniversary I’ve forgot? Five years since our first day at Roundview?”

Effy’s still got that strange look on her face as she turns her attention to her cigarette. Katie looks at it as well. The column of ash at the end has grown to, frankly, a fucking ridiculous length.

Maybe it’s the residual reminder of Freddie that triggers Katie to think about cancer. Maybe it’s just Effy’s mood. But Katie suddenly thinks about Naomi and she blanches, scrabbling for her phone in her bag. “Oh, Jesus, it’s not…?” she says, panicking about Emily.

Effy flicks ash from the end of her cigarette, into the ashtray off to the side of the sofa that Katie isn’t on. “No. Not Naomi. Relax.”

Katie exhales a sigh of relief, and it lets out a lot of her anger over the fact that Effy’s been weird all evening. At least they’re starting to get to whatever the problem is. “It’s just when you look at your fucking cigarette like that, I get fucking nervous, all right?”

“I know.”

The memory of Naomi sends Katie on a reminiscence of her own. “Do you remember when I came to get you from prison? I couldn’t believe Emily had the nerve. I couldn’t fucking believe she cared about _you_ enough to send _me_ to check on you. I had to meet your brother, Christ.”

“You’ve said.”

“I know.” Katie clenches her jaw. “Fuck,” she adds. “Would you just tell me what’s wrong?”

Effy takes another drag from her cigarette. “My counsellor told me I should talk about the past.”

“Your _what_?” Shock makes Katie’s mouth open.

“My past.”

“Not _that_ , you twat!”

“Yeah, I got a counsellor. Again. Had my first session today.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Effy’s wry expression grows more twisted. “It’s all still bullshit. You know what the worst part is? It seems like she really actually wants to help. And I’m… just sat there. Waiting for her to…”

She falls silent and sucks hard on the filter of her cigarette. The flame burns rapidly through the tobacco.

“To what?” Katie asks hoarsely. She can guess, but— 

“Never mind.”

“Fucking hell,” Katie groans, her mind taking her to murder anyway. She’s barely able to keep her own wits about her whenever someone mentions counselling. Effy is ten times worse.

“I don’t want to talk to a fucking counsellor,” Effy says. “But you keep telling me I’m not normal.”

“I didn’t ask you to go see a counsellor!” Katie snaps, aghast. “Jesus Christ, I wouldn’t _do_ that!” 

“Didn’t know you cared.”

“Fuck you,” Katie snaps, mortified by the angry tears that prickle hotly in the corners of her eyes.

Effy shrugs, which stings all the more. “But you’re right. I’m not normal. Haven’t been for ages.”

“Yeah, fine, but—who gives a fuck?”

“Me. You. Everyone.”

“Who gives a fuck about people who don’t even know you? And I don’t care. You want to remember something else? You hit me with a fucking rock—”

“You tried to strangle me,” Effy cuts in, eyes flashing.

“Let me fucking finish. You hit me with a rock, because I tried to—to—whatever.” Katie closes her eyes, feeling that old shame, which never quite goes away. “Put me in the hospital. And I don’t care. You’re just… it’s fine.” She shrugs helplessly. “You know?”

“No, I don’t,” Effy says. “I never have. I just got on with it. That’s the point, isn’t it? Maybe dealing with it will help.”

“How is it going to help if you can’t think of anything other than the fact counsellors are the worst people in the world?”

“They’re not.”

“Are you serious?”

Effy stares at the wall.

Katie forges on. “What, because—because _you_ are? I am?”

“Right,” Effy says impassively.

“No,” Katie insists.

How many hoops does Effy want Katie to jump through? Katie wishes she knew how many, and what hoops they are, and where. She’d jump them all if she could. But she’s never been good at being Effy’s friend. Same in reverse, to be honest.

She simply is Effy’s friend, somehow. Despite the fact it makes zero fucking sense. And vice versa.

“Fuck,” Katie says, floundering badly. “I… Jesus, I’m out of my depth here, babe, you know?”

Effy’s expression twists suddenly. Katie wonders who she’s thinking about. Could be anyone: Freddie, Naomi, her brother or her mum…

She’s still a complete mystery to Katie. Katie will never figure her out. But just like that shit with the rock, she doesn’t care.

“I don’t know how you’re meant to get counselling for the fact that counselling is definitely one of the worst things to ever happen to you, Ef,” she says. “I mean… Yeah, I guess maybe that is something you should work on, if you want. That’s fine, if you want. But it just… what happened was fucked up, Effy. And you definitely don’t have to try to fix something like that because of me, okay, even if I spout off half the time. I think you’re fine.”

Effy swallows. Says nothing.

“Fuck,” Katie says again. “Fuck.”

She sways towards Effy before thinking about it, then sways back. A hug won’t fix anything. Plus it isn’t really their style either. Their style is drinking like it’s going out of fashion and standing side-by-side glaring at everyone, instead of at each other.

“Fuck it,” she mutters. “Come here.”

Katie shuffles closer to Effy and wraps her arms around her. Effy’s always thin, always bony, but it’s alarming to realise the truth of it in Effy’s pointed shoulder against her arm. She feels fragile, which she’s not.

“Fuck,” she sighs yet again.

“Starting to think you’re making me an offer,” Effy answers tartly.

Katie takes the given opportunity to break the heaviness and laughs. “You wish, babe.”

They fall into silence again, more companionable now though. Eventually, Katie reaches for the remote and switches on the TV. She pulls up Netflix and picks one of the new reality TV shows where everyone’s fit as fuck and gagging for it and nothing matters. It helps Katie forget, just for a while, that Effy’s incredibly fucked up history is a timebomb waiting to go off again.

Just for a while, she pretends everything’s fine.


End file.
